A BITTER WOMAN'S GUIDE TO WRITING. BY SANDRA HARRIS.

 

A BITTER WOMAN’S GUIDE TO WRITING.

BY SANDRA HARRIS.

1.       Don’t bother with goals- you’ll never keep them anyway and you’ll only get depressed.

2.      Always wait for inspiration to strike before you write anything- there’s no point sitting staring at a blank screen twiddling your thumbs. Go on social media instead, see if inspiration strikes there.

3.      Don’t waste your time looking for writing ideas in nature or in observing other people. The ideas are already all in your own head- no outside input needed.

4.      Why bother reading anyone else’s books or writings? They’ll only confuse you and your own style will end up as an irritating hodge-podge of other people’s. Best to develop your own distinctive voice by staying away from other people’s. If you really must read something, try a celebrity magazine or, again, social media.

5.      Don’t waste your precious words on what experts call ‘honing your craft,’ for example, writing boring and unnecessary practice essays and stories, etc. Save them for your magnificent, world-changing opus. It’s not like writing is something that can be practised.

6.      You can’t be a real writer if you don’t have a college degree, so either get one or give up your crazy dream of published books and accolades- you’d just be wasting your own time.

7.      Ditto, you need to do a slew of writing courses before you can call yourself a proper writer, the more expensive the better. Don’t waste your time on cheap or free ones that can’t teach you anything. If I’m being honest, what you really need is a writing coach, and never, ever skimp on this. You get what you pay for. The same applies to laptops and other writing equipment, including stationery.

8.     Get yourself an agent before you write so much as a single word. He shouldn’t need to read anything you’ve written before being convinced of your future greatness. You should, however, ditch his sorry arse if he fails to secure you a seven-figure deal for your first novel, about standard for a debut work.

9.      Don’t be hidebound by publishers’ pettifogging rules regarding submission. Just because they say they only produce coffee table books on architecture and stately homes doesn’t mean you shouldn’t challenge them by sending them your red-hot bonkbuster about an impoverished Russian countess who escapes to America in the early years of the nineteenth century and builds a fashion empire from scratch in order to revenge herself on the family/fiancé/best friend who once betrayed her. Publishers can be quite stuffy and set in their ways and they need writers like you to shake them up and blow their cobwebs away.

10  You’re obviously not a real writer unless you’ve won a major award like the Bookish Prize or one of those yokes. Luckily, these are easy enough to come by, so your trophy cabinet should fill up in no time.

11  You could join a writers’ group, but be careful what you share there as these things are usually no more than forums for stealing the ideas of better writers like yourself. Publishers and agents probably aren’t above nicking your good ideas, either, so be careful there too.

12  If the whole writing lark gets too hard, just assume it’s not for you and pack it in. Trust me, nothing good ever comes from perseverance.