Sandra Harris Writes

  HE SHOOTS… HE SCORES!!! ANOTHER ACE-IN-THE-HOLE FOR CR7. BY SANDRA HARRIS. © Ah, Jaysis, Ireland, what are yiz like? Losing at football again. Last night, we lost to Portugal in a World Cup qualifier. Two-one. But all our pundits said that that was the best we’d been at losing in ages, so it’s all G. Meaning, we’re edging ever closer to, maybe, someday, actually nearly winning a game, or, at least, losing so well that it’s almost the same as winning. That’s hilarious and so typically Irish. We sometimes beat really piddly teams like, say, the Faroe Islands or Gibraltar, where the footballers’ main job is not footy at all but farming or bee-keeping or being a fisherman or something. Then we act all big and important for a bit but put us up against virtually any country with a decent team and we fall apart. Remember Italia ’90, our proudest footy moment ever? The song clearly said that we were going to ‘inflict our game’ on the opponents, and how many goals did we score? Two. Two? ...

  FOOTY FOR WOMEN … THE EUROS EXPLAINED. BY SANDRA HARRIS. © Dear Reader, Today I propose to tell you everything I know about football. Having no postage stamps to hand, I will use this document instead. This is a good time to talk about football, as a big tournament called the Euros is currently being held in cities across Europe. It’s kind of like the Eurovision, but without the sparkly dresses. Here comes the science, so pre-furrow your brows in mild bewilderment, ladies.  Football is a game played on a grassy pitch by twenty-two men with round, medium-sized balls. Eleven men on each side go to make up a team. The referee is the man in charge of the game. Referees are frequently being advised by the fans to visit Specsavers in order to rectify their deficient eyesight. (‘Are ya effing blind, ref, or wha’?’) In recent years, VAR, or the much maligned Video Assistant Referee, has come into play to aid the more myopic of the referees. The object of the game is to kick a ball i...