DUBLIN CALLING... MUSINGS ON EUROVISION 2024 BY SANDRA HARRIS.

 

DUBLIN CALLING… MUSINGS ON EUROVISION 2024.

BY SANDRA HARRIS. ©

Jiminy Jellikers! This year’s Eurovision Song Contest was the most exciting in years, for a myriad of mad- and sad- reasons. My kids and I were completely wiped out with exhaustion by the end of Saturday night, after four of the most intense hours of television so far this year, and that’s not even taking into account all the shenanigans and news accounts and rumours we were all keeping track off in the run-up to the contest.

Would the contest ban Israel from performing because of the war in Gaza? Would Israel pull out themselves, after all the bad vibes and hostility from protestors who made their presence known in Malmo in the days before the world’s biggest singing competition was due to take place? Would Israel’s act be booed on the night, or would pro-Palestinian activists rush the stage armed with red paint and smoke bombs?

In the end, the Israeli act, the song HURRICANE, performed powerfully by a gorgeous young female called Eden Golan, went off without incident and even looked like it was winning at one point. There were no kerfuffles within the auditorium itself, none that the viewers at home saw anyway, and performers and audience members alike all lived to see another day, which I guess is the most important thing.

However, everyone’s safety aside, I have some complaints and observations.

1.      Everyone said that Sweden winning the contest last year was a fix, so that Sweden could host the show in 2024, ABBA’s fiftieth anniversary of winning the thing. So, where the bloody hell was ABBA? I hadn’t heard that any of them were ill, thankfully, so where were they on the night? Even if they didn’t want to perform, why didn’t they send a lovely warm video-taped thank-you message to the fans who’ve kept them in warm woolly sweaters and tasteful IKEA furniture for five decades? That minute-and-a-half of ABBA holograms was an insult to the fans. For shame, Benny, Bjorn, Agnetha and Annifrida!

2.      I loved British act Olly Alexander in the fantastic AIDS drama, IT’S A SIN. It had a lot of hardcore gay sex in it, but it was a show about HIV and AIDS and its effect on young British men in the 1980s so the sex was within context and appropriate. Where I don’t expect to see hardcore gay sex, however, is in a Eurovision entry seen by millions of kids who are watching the show with their parents and families. Britain’s entry was set in a grubby, sleazy public bathroom (anyone up for a spot of cottaging?) and Olly was making out with three or four other blokes, similarly dressed in bondage gear. The song wasn’t even funny or ironic, like George Michael’s LET’S GO OUTSIDE, which was also set in a public toilet, albeit a sparklingly clean one. Take note, Olly…!

3.      Finland’s entry to the contest, WINDOWS95MAN singing NO RULES, performed pantsless. Some people laughed at the obvious gimmick, but most, like me, were bemused and wondered what that guy’s ass and willy had to do with singing and creating memorable art. The song itself didn’t place too highly in the contest, so there you go, I guess. People don’t need to see more butts in order to have a good time at Eurovision.

4.      About half of the contestants who performed on the night were identi-kit beautiful young Instagram-ready brunette females with reams and reams of fabulous long dark hair. I’ve never felt so marginalised to be a blonde. Clearly, we’re out of fashion. That’s one thing, but the other thing was that the parade of the brunettes gave a very ‘samey’ look to the whole show. How about a little diversity, ladies? Dare to be different!

5.      My kids kept giving out to me throughout the evening for ‘misgendering’ some of the acts by accident. If I don’t know what someone’s preferred ‘pronouns’ are, should I be vilified for referring to that person as ‘he/him’ if it’s a man I see before me, and ‘she/her’ if a woman…? It doesn’t make me homophobic or transphobic, does it? Of course not! Not everyone you meet in life will have handed you a little card with their preferred pronouns on it before you interact with them, so, if someone accidentally gets it wrong, just chill. It’s not a personal insult. Beside, I hear even Graham Norton slipped up on the night, so clearly it can happen to the best of us…

6.      I’ll finish up with Bambie Thug, Ireland’s entry. She’s a ‘they/them,’ by the way, so I’d better get it right. I loved their look and the stunning performance and I didn’t mind the witchiness and the exorcising and the Satan worshipping at all; shure, aren’t we all looking for something out there to give meaning to our lives? The one beef I had was with the song itself. It had no tune, lol. You couldn’t really sing along to it. Switzerland’s winning song, performed by Nemo, had a very catchy chorus; ‘I broke the code, wuh-uh-oh…!’ Repeated a load of times, it made for great listening and even the viewers could sing along without needing to know too many words. At least Bambie Thug broke our losing streak by coming sixth in the contest, but next time, remember to stick a tune in there too, lads, okay…?

 

Swedish hostesses Malin Akerman and Petra Mede were super-warm, friendly and funny at the contest’s helm this year. It was great to see Irish lurve god Johnny Logan on one of the semi-final nights singing and still looking utterly dreamy after nearly forty years since his last Eurovision win in 1987. The Netherlands had their act disqualified after saying some things that didn’t go down too well with the Eurovision juggernaut. Finally, I myself predicted that the guy in the skirt, Nemo from Switzerland, would do really well in the contest if not win the whole thing outright. Which he did. I mean, they did. Oh, I give up…