OUT NOW... (THE) QUEEN'S GREATEST HITS! BY SANDRA HARRIS. ©
OUT NOW …
(THE) QUEEN’S GREATEST HITS!
BY SANDRA
HARRIS.
Wow. I literally never thought I’d see the day, but it’s
finally happened. After a whopping ninety-six years on earth (it makes me
dizzy just thinking about it), Queen Elizabeth the Second of England passed
away yesterday at ‘one of her favourite houses,’ Balmoral Castle in Scotland.
I just want to say that, if I owned a castle in Scotland
myself, it would probably be one of my own personal favourite homes. Well, that
and the chateau in France and the Alpine chalet, naturally. Oh, and, of course,
the Spanish villa. But no matter, never mind my bitterness, that’s not what we’re here to discuss today.
Today is the day after the day that the Queen slipped quietly
away into the afterlife to be with her husband, of whom more later. For now,
all we want to do is have a look at her greatest accomplishments, victories and
triumphs. We’ll call them (The) QUEEN’S GREATEST HITS …
1. In fairness to the old dear, she did in
fact do war service in WW2 and was in the Auxiliary Territorial Service, the Women’s
Branch of the British Army, during those darkest of dark ages.
2. She is the longest-reigning Queen of
England, after her own grandmother, Queen Victoria, beating Old Vicky’s sixty-three
years and seven months by seven years. It was a close call there for a while,
but Lizzie did it, folks.
3. Her hair deserves a special mention
all of its own. She picked a style in her youth and has stuck with it ever since.
No yielding to pressure or fashion. She would die with the hairstyle she had
chosen in her salad days welded firmly to her royal bonce. You’ve gotta admire
the rigidity, and ability to stick with the one thing, 'through thick and thing,' heh-heh-heh.
4. Her hats and handbags, but more so
the hats, are terrific talking points. I loved the pale pink one with the arrangement
of cherries on it.
5. Elizabeth married her main squeeze,
Prince Philip of Greece and Denmark, in 1947, and remained wedded to him until his
death in April of 2021 at the age of 902. Whatever we may privately think about the Royal Family,
and I’m no fan, that shows a level of commitment rarely seen in these just ’throw
it away and buy a new one’ society we now inhabit.
6. She loves her horses and her dogs.
Someone who loves animals that much can’t be all bad. Can they …?
7. The Royal Christmas Message, or the Queen’s Christmas Speech, has been broadcast on Christmas Day television practically every year since the year dot. It is broadcast at three pm on the dot on the BBC, by which time the turkey and plum pudding have been consumed and Britain’s adults are all asleep in their armchairs. The Queen could get up, strip naked and do the hokey-cokey in the nip and no-one would be any the wiser. Nah, protocol wouldn’t allow it. In her speech, the Queen, surrounded by tasteful and elegant Christmas paraphernalia, chronicles the year just gone, says whether it was good or bad and wishes all her subjects many happy returns of the day. In 1992, she bemoaned her ‘annus horribilis’ and everyone thought she had the piles.
8. She has four wonderful children that
any mother would be proud of: Charles, now the King. Had an affair with his
now-wife, Camilla Parker Bowles, while married to the lovely Princess Diana. ‘There
were three of us in this marriage,’ remember? Andrew, a fine strapping lad
who did his country proud when he completely lost his ability to sweat during
the Falklands war, has spent most of the last few years cowering behind the sofa,
hoping the police won’t haul him in for questioning for his friendship and
association with convicted paedophile Jeffrey Epstein. And as for the ginormous
pay-out to Virginia Giuffre, well, there’s a popular ditty that explains that: ‘The
Grand Old Duke of York, he had twelve million quid, he gave it to someone he
didn’t know, for something he never did…’ Need I mention Woking Pizza
Express, people? And finally, Princess Anne and Prince Edward. Hang on. These
are listed on Wikipedia but I’ve literally never heard of them. It must be some
kind of spoof. You know what the Internet is like. The Queen clearly only has two
children, the baldy one and the tubby sleazy one.
9. The Queen has had too many Jubilees,
ie, state-sponsored knees-ups, to mention. The latest, her Platinum Jubilee,
cost the British government twenty-eight million pounds. And where do the
government get their simoleans…? That’s right. And all the while, her strapped-for-cash
subjects around the country, battered from years of COVID-19 and problems with
the economy, are currently preparing themselves for a winter in which they get
to choose between heating or eating. Oh goody.
10. She has two grandsons by her son, the
now-King Charles. Isn’t that the name of a breed of dog? Yes, the Internet
might say she has others, but they are nobodies compared to these two lads. The
Queen survived the tumultuous arrival of Hollywood attention-seeker Meghan
Markle, her grandson Prince Harry’s wife, into the family by largely
maintaining a dignified silence on the subject. Then came ‘Megsit,’ the much-publicised
departure of this branch of the family, followed by that cringe-worthy Oprah
interview, in which Meghan claimed that some members of the Royal Family were
racist to her about her baby and wanted to know how ‘brown’ it would be when it
was born. The Royal Family, heads of the ‘Commonwealth,’ racist…? Strike me up
a gumtree. The Queen was probably right to wish them luck and let them go.
Least said, soonest mended, and all that jazz. Let’s not forget William, Harry’s
older brother, attracting attention recently with rumours of affairs and his
possible engagement in a sex act so taboo that Kate would say a swear word at
her ma-in-law’s funeral rather than submit to performing it with him. Pegging, anyone…?
Yes, I listen to gossip and read trashy entertainment sites, lol.
11. The Queen’s last official act was to
say ‘so long’ to Boris Johnson, the outgoing PM, and ‘ey up, how do’ to Liz
Truss, the incoming one. The Queen has seen off fifteen British Prime Ministers
in her seventy years on the throne. (Seventy years
on the throne? That might account for the annus horribilis!) I bet Boris
Johnson is sick as a pig about missing out, by a lousy two days, on being the
PM presiding over the Queen’s death, funeral and other folderol. Instead, Liz
Truss got the gig, and said ‘through thick and thing’ in her speech
outside 10, Downing Street. The shame…!
12. Finally, she’ll have a funeral bigger than Diana’s, the Queen Mum’s and Jimmy Savile’s put together. (Why mention him? Well, she knighted him, didn’t she?) It’ll be repeated on Sky News ad nauseam, until we’re sick of the sight of the no doubt gold coffin and accompanying columns of tricked-out-to-buggery military types. Well, ta-ra, Lizzie old girl. At the end of the day, you were only human like the rest of us. Say ‘hiya luv’ to Philip for us when you get where you're going.
AUTHOR BIOGRAPHY OF SANDRA HARRIS.
http://www.amazon.com/-/e/B015GDE5RO
Her new book, THIRTEEN STOPS EARLIER, is
out now from Poolbeg Books:
Her debut romantic fiction novel, 'THIRTEEN
STOPS,' is out now from Poolbeg Books:
https://www.amazon.com/Thirteen-Stops-Sandra-Harris-ebook/dp/B089DJMH64
The sequel, ‘THIRTEEN STOPS LATER,’ is
out now from Poolbeg Books:
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