FOOTY FOR WOMEN... THE EUROS EXPLAINED. BY SANDRA HARRIS. ©
FOOTY FOR WOMEN … THE EUROS EXPLAINED.
BY SANDRA HARRIS. ©
Dear Reader,
Today I propose to tell you
everything I know about football. Having no postage stamps to hand, I will use
this document instead. This is a good time to talk about football, as a big
tournament called the Euros is currently being held in cities across Europe.
It’s kind of like the Eurovision, but without the sparkly dresses. Here comes
the science, so pre-furrow your brows in mild bewilderment, ladies.
Football is a game played on a grassy pitch by
twenty-two men with round, medium-sized balls. Eleven men on each side go to make
up a team. The referee is the man in charge of the game. Referees are
frequently being advised by the fans to visit Specsavers in order to rectify
their deficient eyesight. (‘Are ya effing blind, ref, or wha’?’) In
recent years, VAR, or the much maligned Video Assistant Referee, has come into
play to aid the more myopic of the referees.
The object of the game is to
kick a ball into the goalpost of the opposing team. When this happens, it is
called a goal. When a player scores a goal, he is free to celebrate by
performing knee-slides, victory dances, or even a strip-tease for the benefit
of the lady viewers.
If, however, the player is deemed
to be offside, or in the wrong position, when the goal is scored, the goal may
be declared null and void. In this instance, the player who performed the knee-slide/victory
dance/strip-tease may now look and feel like a total pillock.
A foul is where a player
deliberately tries to further their own game by hurting or bringing down
another player. If you are touched even slightly by another player, it is
common practice to drop to the ground in as dramatic a fashion as possible,
crying and clutching the ‘injured’ body part and saying you’re afraid you’ll
never walk again. This procedure is known as ‘diving’ and everyone in football
does it.
It’s a cunning ploy designed to
ensure that the referee gets cross with the team who fouled you, and he may then
award you a free kick or a penalty, a one-on-one with the opposing goalkeeper.
If you score a goal as a result of a ‘dive,’ the fans of the other team will
hate you but so what? You’re in this for the money, not to be liked.
An own goal is where a player
accidentally kicks the ball into their own net in the heat of the moment. This
will occasion much mirth and merriment amongst the fans of the opposing team,
but may cause your own team members to call you ‘a big stupid b**tard’ and
tweak your nipples really hard in the showers after the game. In extreme cases,
your team-mates might even sleep with your wife to get you back for ruining
everyone’s lives forever with your stupid own goal.
Games are often preceded by the
singing of each country’s national anthem. It is quite okay to mumble along
here and only pretend to be singing, as an astonishing number of players don’t
seem to know the words to their own nation’s most important song.
You will often observe an
upswing in a team’s performance after the designated break period. This is
because the manager, a surly, stern-looking individual who stands on the side-lines
during the match and tries to look deadpan when their team scores, will have
b*llocked the players royally in the dressing-room and threatened them with the
loss of pizza privileges after the game.
A pundit is a grumpy old man,
often a former footballer himself, whom we meet on the break. He sits on his
a**e in a comfy studio miles away from the blood, sweat and tears of the actual
game and says what players are doing wrong. Often, pundits will add bitterly
that football isn’t like what it was ‘in their day,’ which, as ‘their day’ was
a hundred years ago or more, is not at all a bad thing.
Fans are an important part of
the beautiful game, or a game of two halves, as it is often known. They cheer
on the players by singing encouraging chants, waving around their country’s
flag or, in some instances, even draping their sweaty, semi-naked forms with
said flag while wearing a funny hat or novelty wig. The cameras at the game
will quite often zoom in on the more attractive of the female fans, especially
if they are displaying big knockers in an array of tight T-shirts.
Speaking of attractiveness, the
game is much more enjoyable and entertaining for the lady viewer if the players
are easy on the eye. Hot players of the day include Manuel Neuer, Romelu
Lukaku, Gareth Bale and Kasper Schmeichel, but it’s really about whatever you
fancy yourself, of course.
Cristiano Ronaldo, however,
remains the King of the Poseurs, with his perfect hair, immaculate gnashers and
unfailing habit of baring his magnificent abdominals when he scores a goal,
which happens at least once in every game, even games in which he technically
is not down to play.
If you are lucky, ladies, you
may get to sleep with one of these demi-gods once in your lifetime. Even if you
don’t, well, you can still enjoy the beautiful game as a spectator. I hope my
easy-to-read guide will aid your enjoyment of the 2020/1 Euros, the greatest
show in Europe since Johnny Logan’s white-suited rendition of ‘What’s
Another Year?’ They think it’s all over …? It is now.
AUTHOR BIOGRAPHY OF SANDRA HARRIS.
http://www.amazon.com/-/e/B015GDE5RO
Her debut romantic fiction novel, 'THIRTEEN
STOPS,' is out now from Poolbeg Books:
https://www.amazon.com/Thirteen-Stops-Sandra-Harris-ebook/dp/B089DJMH64
The sequel, ‘THIRTEEN STOPS LATER,’ is
out now from Poolbeg Books:
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